March 19, 2000Matt & Trevor invited me over for supper and to go see the movie "The Cider House Rules" which I was dying to see. We tentatively discussed going out to the gay bar afterwards. I was a bit worried I might run into J.C. at the club and that it would be awkward since we hadn't talked since last Friday when he backed out of our plans. So I called him at about 5 yesterday and he was friendly but still very quiet. He indicated that he hadn't called me all week because I had indicated to him that I was very busy. We discussed our plans for the weekend and he promptly invited himself to come along to the movie and out to the club with me and the boys. I was taken aback, and hummed and hawwed, but said sure why not.
After we got off the phone I felt anxious, not wanting a repeat of what happened when J.C. & I went out last time. Just feeling like it was going to be icky, that it would make too late a night for how tired I was, knowing that I would probably have to assert myself if he got bossy again (or, if I didn't, it would make me feel worse). So I got myself into quite a dither. But I calmed myself down, and began to look forward to it.
J.C. was quite quiet when we picked him up at his apartment and he had his short short hair kind of spiked in a way that I didn't like. I felt quite self-conscious around him. We went to the movie and it was a complete and utter delight. I knew I would be deeply affected--I always am with any story about orphanhood--and yes it did speak to my soul. I thought I would lose it at the end.
Had already indicated to Matt & Trevor that, with J.C. along, I would definitely not want to go out to the club and they were fine with that. So I brought them all back to my place for tea. Matt and Trevor didn't stay long but my it was great to spend time with them. So then it was just J.C. and I and as soon as Trevor & Matt got up to leave, sure enough J.C. grabbed the remote and flipped the TV on which is a trigger for me -- the contactlessness of sitting there watching TV together when I so needed to touch base with him. But it was actually quite pleasant. All evening I was conscious of not being touchy-feely with him like before, that I needed to connect with him, have a chat, before that would feel appropriate. So we didn't cuddle or hold hands, although I did rest against his legs and stuff like that. (I am not being very articulate today but oh well)
What was most wonderful was there was this PBS show with Bob Marley's kids performing, the son was gorgeous and the music was great. J.C. was so into it and again, just like watching him dance, it was such a rush to watch him spontaneously sing along so beautifully with the words, laugh at himself as he did so, his arms dancing in the air.
But after about an hour, I said we needed to talk. J.C. looked uncomfortable. I asked him to turn the TV off. Then I launched into my spiel and said I simply needed to know where he was at, that we hadn't talked much lately and I was concerned about how he was feeling about this whole friends-not-boyfriends scenario. It took him a long while to get going but he eventually said, for the first time, that he was looking for a boyfriend. I was so glad he finally said it, and the energy deepened beautifully from that point on. I reiterated that, at this point in my life, I am not looking for that kind of relationship and I don't want to lead him on or fuck with his brain in any way about that. Referred back to what it had been like for me the last night we went out, how I felt him being bossy, etc. and that I imagined he was feeling insecure about what he meant to me, how he fit in, etc. He agreed that he had felt insecure but he felt embarassed about, and had no recollection of, being bossy. I didn't put too fine a point on it, but did communicate that I'd felt he was being bossy. It was so wonderful to be talking like this, finally!
By this time we were sitting closer on the couch, holding hands, and I had a hard-on. At first he expressed disappointment that I hadn't changed my mind, that I wasn't wanting to be boyfriends, but he more or less expressed interest in this whole sexual friendship, "messing around", as he put it. I began to envision us having sex and felt really aroused, once connected with him again. But then he got really quiet and said he didn't think he could handle that, that having sex without the commitment, the boyfriend thing, would be too much for him.
I was disappointed then. But it was fine; the authenticity of what we were saying to one another brought me back down into myself in a very beautiful way. So I said that was okay, and I hoped we could still be friends; he indicated that he would like that too. And he began to talk and talk and talk and I was enraptured by the J.C. I could now see -- a beautiful young man with a lot to say in his own quiet way. I ached to hold him, make love to him, but instead I just watched and listened as I learned more about who he is. It was like we were both seeing each other for the first time. I gave him a tour of my whole house; he'd never seen my office or the downstairs (except the bathroom when we had that most-arousing shower together), expressed an interest in hiring him to build me a desk for my office. He talked about his family--[details omitted]. J.C. got up here a year ago. Has a 15 year old brother who he described as being extremely well built and large. Yum.
He is such a sweet young man and by the time he left at around 330 am (it was a long wait for the cab) I felt so connected to him, and to myself. Exhilarated. I do want to continue to hang out with him. I would love to make love with him again, and maybe some day that will be appropriate. But in the meantime, there is a quietness to the connection between him that really grounded me last night: I want more of that.
I was on cloud nine by the time he left. After all the anxiety about what was going on between us, the resolution was very sweet. Just to feel my own abundance, my own generosity, my own soul.
Blah blah blah. I don't know how to write about it in a deep way, but it touched me. To have him open up like that, feel more comfortable. That's what I'm seeking in relationship. And if sex fits into that, great, but if not, that's what I want, not sex.
And, this curious paradox too that I am left with a romantic yearning for J.C. that I didn't have before, except for maybe those few moments that night after he told me about **; a corresponding openness in me when he opens up like that, when I see more of him. I don't see that there's any viability to a romantic, monogamous relationship with him or anyone else right now in my life, but yes that pull is now there. I am not going to act on it, but I am intrigued by this lovely young man, the more I see of him.
So I didn't get into bed until about 4 am and slept through till 1 pm today.
Life is good, today.
