Sunday, Feb. 15, 2004 - 9:20 a.m.
What Did I Say I Wanted?

Well lovely people, I seem to have lost the inclination to write entries here for the time being. So for the next while, instead I'll occasionally paste in writings from my personal journal.

Sunday January 25, 2004

Wow, well my birthday ended with a bang - literally. More on that in a bit.

It's been a wild weekend, internally-speaking. I've certainly been in an interesting space. Quite grounded and open, with lots of neurotic dipsy-doodling along the way.

Let me go check and see how far I got yesterday. Ah, not far.

It's been a blurry weekend of online chatting and self-monitoring my reactions and impulses. As I've said before, since I changed my pic and took "looking for sex/action" out of my gay.com profile, different kinds of guys are chatting me up. But those are only surface changes; if I want real change--and most of the time, I do--something deeper inside is called forth, invited into being. It's up to me.

So far so good.

I'm really fucking tired today; I spent the night last night with this really interesting, sexy black guy named Nate who I chatted with on gay.com just before midnight. He's just moved here from [the US]; [Caribbean] originally and a Canadian citizen. Met him at Starbucks and he was ten times--no, a hundred times--cuter than his pic and so I got quite excited. He's 37, much older than I usually go for but that didn't fucking matter: he was hot and friendly and our conversation flowed quite effortlessly. Short dreadlocks, completely luscious. Dreadlocks!

I'm too tired right now to give this experience the thoughtful, detailed treatment it deserves. We chatted, I did most of the listening, as per usual, and he gently suggested he wanted to hear more about me so I said let's get out of here, go for a walk. And so I told him about the attack; Nate was quietly sympathetic. Anyway, a really good talk ensued and he was obviously waiting for me to decide whether I was comfortable going back to his place.

I was, and I did. Nice little apartment, full of unpacked boxes. No place to sit but the bed. How convenient. What a great kisser, what a passionate, excitable man. What a sublimely beautiful face; I could--and did--get lost in those huge dark brown eyes. He seemed as into me as I was him.

So the sex was hot, indescribably joyful. He was so turned on by my excitement when he sucked my cock; Nate got like a little boy, all enthusiastic and giggly as he exclaimed--exclaimed--that no one else had ever reacted like that when he went down on them. It was just so, so, so alive.

I made my first grope of his crotch and he said "I'm pretty big." "Oh, that's such a turn-off!" I exclaimed, grinning at him. Hot. No false advertising there.

I felt so alive. Happy birthday to me. Nate couldn't get over how much I wanted to take care of him, sexually, and yet he wanted to take care of me more. It was a delicious push-pull of an erotic exchange. Oomph, I'm so turned on by him. He's got a bit of a 30-something belly, but that was not an issue; tight round buttocks, dick of death, such kissable lips. Oh my god.

Another memorable part was, eventually, I got cold. His apartment was really cold. So I asked if we could get under the blankets, and he pulled the multi-colored fleece blanket over us. The lamp in the corner of the room was on, and it showed through the blanket so there Nate and I were, snuggled under this translucent blanket and we could see each other really well. It was like we were in a tent. I sucked his big dick for the first time under there, and he got so excited by that ("No one's ever made me cum from a blow job," he said, "But I can tell that you might be able to!") that he jerked himself off right after. He was so uncontrolled and hormonal about it; really turned me on. I joined him and we jerked off together. He came first, said he hadn't cum in a week, but I (who had shot my load at least twice on Friday) came geysers, all the way up to my nipples. That really aroused him.

Then we snuggled all night. I slept well, cuddling up with him. Uncharacteristically well. I'm a little sore today in my back from it now, but it felt really good. Woke up around 10 and he sucked me and licked and kissed me. Again, Nate got so turned on he had to jerk off again. Sweet. Then I got acquainted with his splendiferous butt for the first time, rolling him over on his tummy and licking and chewing my way down his strong ridged back and what a great ass! I opted not to quite rim him, as there was a body odor scent I didn't want to taste, but I licked and chewed everywhere else down there. Oh my god.

We fell back to sleep until noon. I'm still wiped out, for some reason; got home around 1:30 or so and made coffee then so that's probably why.

Anyway, it was an absolutely fantastic evening, and I really needed that. He sounds really open to hanging out some more, and I hope he cuz I sure am! During our walkabout we talked a lot about where we were both at with it comes to sex and relationships and Nate said he really likes sex and is exploring his sexuality more unguardedly for the first time, recently, but he too wants more than just a quickie.

He's very calm and grounded. I like the vibe. We'll see what happens. We'll see if he calls, first of all. I have a feeling he will.

Anyway, there was much else boycraziness going on this weekend. If I was more grounded and rested, I could write it out in a way that captured it. But I'm bagged, here.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

I just sent this email to Nate:

Hi sexy man, how are you doing? Enjoyed celebrating my birthday with you. Hope the unpacking and settling in is going well.

I'd certainly enjoy seeing you again sometime. I hope my spiel during our evening walk didn't come across as needy, cuz I'm really not. Open to making friends, but not clingy. I'd enjoy getting to know you in a go-with-the-flow kinda way.

Take care!

We'll see.

Saturday, January 31, 2004

Wow, Nate Smith is sleeping naked in my bed. Oomph! What a beautiful, sexy, grounded, interested man. He seems genuinely interested in and attracted to me, and those feelings are definitely mutual. I'm intrigued.

We met at the ice cream place a block away at 945 pm last night. Sat on the big comfy couch there; it was all I could do not to jump him and have sex with him right there on that big comfy couch! (smirk) He is so sexy. Those dreadlocks and those eyes and that smile: he drives me fucking crazy.

We had a nice visit, our knees touching and our fingers occasionally brushing up against each others and entwining. I was swooning. After about an hour I invited him to my place. That felt right. I'd pretty much had that intention all along. But a part of me knew I needed to tell him the story of being assaulted in order to feel completely comfortable. So when we got back here, after I lit a candle and put mood music on, he was all over me and I was totally into it but the assault was playing like a backdrop loop in my head and I stopped our mad kisses and said I needed to talk. Told him I needed to tell him more about what happened, but that I didn't expect him to give me any sort of "take care of me" response or feel obligated to me, or whatever.

He surprised me by saying at that point that he liked me, liked the time we'd spent together so far, and wanted to spend more time together and see what happened, that he was open to various options and didn't much care at this point how our togetherness ended up looking or being named. I thought that was so cool; almost made me cry because he sounded so genuine.

I told him the story. I could feel him listening deeply; he didn't say much and his silence felt respectful. He did exclaim at the dramatic point in the narrative where I tearfully related Diego slashing my throat. Then afterwards, again, Nate didn't have much to say but he hugged me wordlessly and talked about a gay safety course he'd taken in NYC where it was taught that you shouldn't leave kitchen knives lying around when you have tricks over, etc.

I was pretty open and vulnerable after telling him the story, hungry for affection but not feeling horny, particularly. Had a cigarette out on the balcony (Nate really doesn't like cigarette smoke, alas, just like all the interesting guys I've been meeting -- there seems to be some message coming from universe, I think) and then felt better. So we started making out again, and it was so hot and Nate exclaimed at how beautiful and sexy I looked as he got me out of my shirt and slobbered over my torso, my nipples, my neck, my nose...

We went to bed and oh wow the sex is so fascinating. Nate really makes me feel good, and it seems I do him. He's kind of a metaphysical pig in bed, which is not a bad thing, not a bad thing at all. And he gets so heartstoppingly boyish, the way he giggles and exclaims and "Wow's" throughout. The energies are so unexpected and erotic. Fuck.

Like last Saturday night, he's also unexpectedly hurried. After I sucked him for a while (what a penis!) and he rolled me over on my tummy and rimmed me, he rubbed his dick on my butt and tailbone to orgasm. The sex didn't last very long. I jerked off right after, and he was totally blown away by the force of my orgasm. We lay there cuddling, I invited him to spend the night, then went out to the living room to smoke and he was pretty much sound asleep by the time I returned. It was around 2 am I think.

And he's in there sleeping. The alarm's set for 10 am but I think I'll go in fifteen minutes later, turn the alarm off and wake him up with a blowjob.

I like this guy. Like him, I'm open to whatever, not in a rush. The vibe is amazing.

Sunday, February 1, 2004

What a great day yesterday! My journaling got cut short when Nate awoke, sauntering out here in his tight black briefs. I'd been all set to go in and wake him up with a blow job. He sat around here for maybe an hour, and we had another nice chat. Turns out he's a opera queen ("I like opera, except for the singing," I replied, making him laugh). He was dressed and I was still in my robe, with no underwear, so it turned out that he gave me a blowjob. I must say that it is quite pleasant that he's so attracted to me. We didn't get too carried away, I didn't cum or anything, but it was a nice way to end this most successful second date, me with a burgeoning erection as he left. (smirk) He said he's going to call me today.

Monday, February 2, 2004

The rest of my Sunday evening was up in the air. So when Nate Smith called after I got back from working out and invited me over for dinner, I said sure. How sweet to be invited over for dinner! And also a little unnerving; without realizing it until I arrived at his place, I did worry a bit that Nate liked me too much, had romantic designs, would get clingy, had inappropriate expectations, etc. All that typical "flight response stuff" guys get.

But after the yummy dinner, cuddling in his bed we talked about everything. He asked if it had been weird to be invited over for dinner so soon into things. I said no. We had a great talk about us, and it seems we're very much on the same page. He's enjoying getting to know me but insisted (not defensively) that he doesn't have specific expectations of what's going to happen, and is viewing us as a new friendship in the making. And no, monogamy isn't an issue whatsoever; Nate said, when asked, that he assumes I'm having sex with other people and that I should assume the same about him. Cool!

I didn't feel as attracted to him last night until we had that talk but then I felt opened up in a big way and the sex we had was phenomenally hot! He's a wild man. Almost scared me, almost, as he was jerking off in my face, how gruffly and raunchily excited he became, exclaming "I'm going to cum all over your face!" Hot. And my orgasms with him are so intense; he licked my balls and my thighs like a madman while I jerked off and I shot all over his bed. Nate said my orgasms "resonate" intensely for him, and just the way he put it really affected me. It reminded me of what Mick said about my orgasm in the shower back at the gym that time. Nate said he'd had a dry orgasm Friday night in bed with me while I was cumming (he'd already cum by that point; he always seems to need to cum first) he felt so connected with my orgasm. Wild.

I left his place around 10:30, obliterated and suffused.

What did I say I wanted? A life woven with sexual friendship. I just might be well on my way. Finally. You have no idea how happy I feel about that.

Saturday, February 7, 2004

Yeah, I'd worked myself up into quite a funk. Sucky, sucky mood; as the afternoon wore on, I felt on the verge of tears.

Then Nate called me on my cellphone around 5 pm. How lovely. Quietly talkative and friendly, wondering what I was up to. So we made plans to hang out this afternoon. That's fantastic! He asked me to come with him eyeglass-shopping; he's got five or more pair of specs he likes, and he wants my opinion. That's so sweet. We flirted quite a bit on the phone too. I might let him fuck me today. He really wants to, and as usual I said I needed to wait to feel more comfortable with him first. (horny smirk)

I sense that he's offering me an opportunity to grow up and explore what I really want. An adult, emotionally-satisfying friendship that, at least for the time being, includes hot sex. How refreshing. How I deserve this! Sure I've got all kinds of neuroses that come up, and that's fine. So does he, he's already said. (He has two books on his shelf that intrigued me: The Highly Sensitive Person, and Healing The Shame That Binds You.)

I'm just going to go with the flow here; it means so much that Nate keeps following up and staying real with me. Wow. Looking forward to spending the afternoon with him.

Sunday, February 8, 2004

Wow, Nate Smith Nate Smith Nate Smith!

He just left, maybe 45 minutes ago. Wow!

I adore him.

We met up around 4 pm; I was kind of pissed, because we'd planned to meet up at 3 and I didn't hear from him at all Saturday and kept getting his answering machine. But he called just before 4, apologetic -- he'd gone out to Ikea and it took longer than he thought and he didn't have my number with him to call and let me know. So that was no problem; we met up shortly after and I accompanied him to three different eyewear shops nearby where he tried on countless pair of spectacles and I gave him feedback. I think he's going to go back to one store tomorrow and get the rimless pair that he and I both really liked. (The most expensive pair, of course.)

And I was so into him, smiley with a hard-on the whole time we were out in public together. He's got an impish smile almost exactly like JC's. His big lips drive me fucking crazy. And he's very soft-spoken (I'm forever asking him to repeat himself cuz I can't hear) and sweet sweet sweet. Went for a bite at an Indian restaurant I'd never been to before that he really likes. Played footsie under the table.

Oh yeah, and it was kind of disturbing--at the first eye place we went to, not far from here, I found what I believe are the exact pair of greenish plastic eyeglass frames I had, the really trendy ones I like so much, that I 'lost' during the assault. (They came off during the struggle, and are currently part of the crime scene evidence, and the police say I'll probably never get them back.) It was a weird feeling, trying these on, and I couldn't help but blurt out to the cool, friendly guys that worked at the shop what had happened. What I wasn't expecting was how curious they would get, and they asked me all kinds of questions about the attack, where was I stabbed, what was his motive, was I traumatized, etc. etc. and I got quite flustered and emotional. Wasn't expecting this. It kind of upset me and I didn't know how to talk about what I was feeling with Nate so I didn't say anything afterwards, and I got calmer eventually and it was okay.

So Nate of course wanted to come back to my place for sex after our dinner, and I said that was an option but that I was also thinking I could or should go to my 8:30 pm AA meeting. This was around 7 pm. He was great about it, and so we arranged to meet up right after my meeting instead. Perfect! Went for gelato after dinner, which was my first time I think, and flirted outrageously sitting there with our knees knocking. Jeepers.

Right after the meeting I met Nate at the gay bookstore (his first time there; he didn't know where it was even) and came back here. Oh my fucking god.

"Oh my fucking god." Nate exclaimed those exact words a couple times over the course of the evening. I don't know anyone else besides me who uses that expression.

It was the most sexually-intense evening we've spent together, and even more than that, the hottest sex I've had in aeons. Oomph!

I'd been put off rimming Nate because the morning after our first night together I'd gone down there sniffing and licking around and he wasn't dirty but the sweat tasted unpleasant so I didn't actually rim him and wasn't inclined to "go back" there. But last night I did, and oh my fucking god, how delicious!

And get this!

Get this!

Nate Smith started crying, tears of joy and pleasure, while I was rimming him. How beautiful. I didn't have a clue what was going on, and I crawled back up beside him to find out what was wrong, and he said nothing was wrong, he was just so happy. Wow.

Wow!

He says that a lot. "Wow!" A full-bodied breathy 'wow' that takes my breath away as his eyes brighten and he looks like such a happy little entranced boy.

He becomes so many different people in bed. And he senses things about me, my sexual energies, and the feedback is intensely intriguing. He also senses my walls and he coaxed me out from behind them last night, prior to the rimming incident, sweet-talking me into passive receptivity as he sucked and kissed and licked me every-fucking-where and opened me right up. "Thanks for letting me in," he said, finally, almost making me cry. Jeepers.

I got more open, slightly more open, about expressing my desires, what I wanted. (That's always so difficult for me.) He kept asking me to tell him anything, ask for anything. So finally I asked him to slap my face with his big cock. He did. Oomph. After a while I asked him to stop because I don't know how easily my face would bruise. We laughed about that. It doesn't seem to be bruised today, so that's good. (smirk)

I didn't quite get comfortable enough to ask him to slap my ass, but I really want him to. But I slapped his once, and he writhed and moaned, I asked him if he liked it and he said "do it again" and I did and he whimpered so fuckingly sexily that I almost came, internally. So he really likes it, and I love slapping his callipygian butt that's for sure. Oh my fucking god.

After I rimmed him to tears, he said he wanted me to fuck him. I wasn't expecting that. He had to coax me into it, but man was it beautiful and hot. Meaningful. I can't remember the last time I was inside someone so meaningfully. He became someone else entirely, then. Looking up at me so vulnerably. Ouch, it almost hurt, that heartfelt pained desirous look in his big brown eyes.

Oh my fucking god.

He came all over his belly as I was fucking him. I slipped out accidentally during his tremendous, loud orgasm, unfortunately, but it didn't seem to detract. I jerked off immediately after; he couldn't believe how much I came.

Fuck.

Nate said he hadn't been fucked like that in 7 or 8 years; he was aglow and agog.

What can I say? It felt brand new, like a first time sexual encounter and that was simply because we let some walls down. The intensity was almost unbearable.

I really really really like him.

And I feel so open, it doesn't matter to me whether this is a lover-relationship-in-the-making. Whatever it is, or turns out to be, it's beautiful. Sumptuous.

And that's all I have time to say.