Tuesday, Aug. 26, 2003 - 8:54 p.m.
Dislocation, Dislocation, Dislocation
Ultimately, I think what happened to me is going to be fantastic for my writing. Surviving something so traumatic will, I hope, freshen my perspective on what’s important, what’s life-giving, what it is I’m here for.
But right now I’m just scared. Right now I just want to numb out and distract myself.
So instead of writing, I’m spending my evenings goofing off online. Gay.com is fun, and my new cam is providing hours of, um, enjoyment. I’ve also been having a respectable quantity of non-Web sex.
But I can’t seem to bring myself to write about any of that. My felt sense of all that tomfoolery pales in comparison to what is visceral right now: the shock of it all. The words come, but they don’t register in my gut.
Someone. Tried. To. Kill. Me.
Stabbed. Me. Twenty. Times.
In. My. Own. Home.
With. My. Heart. Bursting. Open. To. Him. Not. A. Moment. Before.
It’s. A. Miracle. I’m. Alive.
And. Now. The. Only. Place. I’m. OK. Is. Not. At. Home.
Home. Was. Snuffed. Out. That. Night.
And. So. I. Only. Sense. Home. Now. When. Friends. Visit.
People. I. Trust.
Otherwise. I. Have. To. Be. On. The. Phone. Or. Chatting. Online. To. Forget. That. He. Killed. Home. For. Me. That. Night.
And. I. Stay. Up. Too. Late. Now.
Distracting. Myself.
Because. The. Fear. Only. Really. Begins. At. Bedtime.
But. I. Must. Keep. Going.
It. Will. Get. Better.
And. I’m. Doing. The. Best. I. Can.
It’s. Just. That. Life’s. Beauty. (That. Which. Grounds. And. Fuels. The. Writer. In. Me.) Is. Not. All. That. Well. Revealed. When. Life. Dwindles. Down. To. A. Mere. Distraction. From. The. Fear. Inside.
***Whew, okay, that’s enough truth for one night. It’s nine o’clock and I simply must get myself into bed by eleven tonight. (That’s what I tell myself every night, but then someone else wants a cam show and the next thing I know it’s well after midnight.) Time to go play online!
Oh, and I’m me on Yahoo Messenger by the way, if you wanna distract me. (smirk)
I do feel better though.
There is hope: oodles and oodles of it.
