Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2003 - 4:27 p.m.
A Way of Looking, Away

First day back at work today; I had a doctor's appointment at 9:45 am so got in after that.

On the way to my doctor's, I stopped at the drug store to buy a one-day transit pass. (I've lost my August bus pass: this pisses me off to no end, since I was off sick since August 1st so only used it one work-day and haven't needed it again till today. So not only did I not get my money's worth from the $90 pass, but I've now got to fork out even more cash to get to and from work for the next couple weeks.)

As I exited Shoppers, a tall, slim and extremely beautiful young black man was walking out behind me. He stared at me intently, brightly. Taken off guard, and I mean that in a good way, I glowed at him, amazed at how much he resembled the tall, slim and extremely beautiful young African-American dude I was webcam-chatting with—oh yeah, I bought a webcam yesterday, ahem—late last night.

I looked back at him again as I walked through the automatic doors. Then I stopped right outside the drugstore, ostensibly to light a cigarette.

He walked out. I peered up at him as I fumbled for a smoke.

His sweet young face was twisted up into a snarl.

"What you looking at!" he spit.

I looked down, suddenly utterly fascinated with my smokes.

"What the fuck you looking at," he continued. "Do I look gay to you or something?"

Eyes averted, I pretended he wasn't there.

He walked on, shaking his head, muttering to himself.

I was trembling.

I waited for him to walk down the street a ways; he was headed the same direction as me.

Once I got on the sidewalk, I could see him striding a half block ahead, and I was definitely relieved when he disappeared down a side street.

But still. As I walked along, my body braced against his sudden, weaponized reappearance around each alleyway or corner.

The gay gaze. Oh, how it threatens!

I'm not feeling very courageous or brazen these days. I'm not feeling very much at all.

But I will look this newly-intensified fear, too, in the eye.