I guess I am getting older, and I feel a lot less neurotic about it. Which isn't to say I'm enjoying it all that much. But it's okay, I think.I do wonder if sex—when I start having it again—will mean differently someday soon, will mean more, or maybe less. Increasingly, I feel an imperative out there—or is it in here somewhere?—that I will be unhappy sexually and emotionally if I don't somehow break with or overcome my usual fixation (or, at least, primary interest) in younger men. Particularly from the 18-22 range or thereabouts. I'm attracting them less than I used to, but no doubt I will still attract them occasionally...but toward what end? (Excuse the pun.)
I love men from that age bracket. I adore them! What happened with J.C. is rare, though; moving from a short, intense erotic fling into a solid and heartfelt platonic friendship. A much more likely template is what's happening with Enrique, platonic friendship from the get-go.
But yet a part of me resists the monasticism implicit in such thoughts, that grows, too, inside me. Like, is celibacy the key to forging an emotionally satisfying queer life? I think not. But I do consider that it might bear further and deeper consideration, this notion that I might better cultivate platonic friendships with more of the younger guys I encounter, and look to men my own age for erotic thrill and, perhaps, emotionally-satisfying companionship.
But I'm not attracted to all that many men my age. But probably enough. By that I mean, I don't need as much sex as I once did (or once thought I did). So it will all probably work out.
It will have to, won't it? I mean, what are the options, really.
I'd say there's at least a 50% chance I will never be in another long-term romantic coupledom-type relationship again. And I'm about 65% happy about those odds. So if that's the case, I would do well to renew a more heartfelt commitment to exploring the kinds of relatedness I do want (and can do), the myriad other ways to connect, to be happy.
Whatever the fuck 'happy' means.
I think, often, that I should focus my interpersonal energies on friends. Sex rarely mixes with friendship; but maybe that will change the more I explore my sexuality with older guys? Because that is my ideal, and has been for a long time: a web of honest, open-hearted, ongoing sexual friendships with men. I have not made much progress with that. At certain times, it was not for lack of trying. Is there something in me that sabatoges ongoing connections like these? Or is this utterly explicable by virtue of the youthfulness of so many of my past sexual partners?
There is so much I do not know about all this stuff.
