2001-04-04 - 10:59 p.m. A Day In The Life Of My Foolish Heart
A Day In The Life Of My Foolish Heart
Tuesday night's phone chat with Mick was a bit odd. He acknowledged a bunch of insecurities, self-doubts and fears he was worried would fuck up a potential relationship between us. "You deserve someone better than me," he said. I responded as soothingly and warmly as I could, which seemed to make Mick feel better. But by the end of the hour-long conversation, I felt my guard going up.
There's a lot of things--especially about romance--that I'm dumber than doorknobs about; but over the years I have sort of learned that when someone tells me not to fall in love with him, I should pay their warning some heed.
With surprising calm, I said to myself that whatever was meant to happen, would. Just keep breathing deep. If he's not ready--after all, he's only been out two years and has never been in a relationship before, he said--then that's just the way it is.
Today at noon this email came in from Mick:
Dear QS,
It's very common to see a group of birds flying together. They have a leading bird for the direction and they help each other, just like a big family. But there are also some birds without family for one reason or another. By himself, a single bird wanders, looking for his own destination. I am one of those lonely birds. I have been flying and flying, from the East to the West, from the ocean to the land, from the innocence to the maturity. The lonely bird has gone through so much and become stronger and stronger after the attack of bitter wind and heavy storm. Sometimes, the lonely bird feels so tired and he doesn't know where he will be heading for. Until one day he meets another lonely bird, he decides to stay. Is it the destination for this lonely bird? He doesn't know and nobody knows. At least the lonely bird wants to have a try. He knows he has to change his life because after the long journey of flying, he is no longer used to the urban life. He seems silly and absurd. When will he fly again? He doesn't know. Maybe he will not fly any more...
QS, do you like flying?
I am not feeling lonely at all, though I am a alone.
Have a good day...
Yours,
Crazy Mick
Tears in my eyes, I wrote right back:
I too have flown, alone, a long time. And I was growing and happy, alone. Like you said, not lonely, but alone. I was not looking for someone to fly with. Deep down, my heart held its knowledge like a secret: one day it would recognize the Beloved man, the possibility for love, friendship, sex and companionship with one beautiful man.
It wants to have a try, too.
At the gym after work, I realized how fucking incredibly horny I was. Since Saturday night, Mick had triggered two prolonged erections with no, um, relief. I was ready to burst. And my glow got me more attention than usual in the work-out room; a couple guys were cruising me. I was tempted. I was so horny! I didn't even realize that I was cruising the one brunette back until after a few minutes of increasingly-intense eye contact. Once I did realize, I simply looked away. That was pretty easy, but I cannot deny that monogamy-retraining would be difficult.
Sure enough, I ran into Mick again in the shower room. Yippee! We had a sauna together, again. Today there were three or four others in there the whole time, dammit all. But we still managed to have a great chat. He said my email was beautiful. We talked about our end-of-term school stuff. He mentioned my "Japanese friend," playfully telling me I should make some time for Kentaro soon, too. He was giggly and playful and, frankly, a bit immature. I was aware I did not get an immediate hard-on.
But Mick soon got me going. Again, he was too shy to shower in the same room as me, but once I'd showered I walked over and stood beside him, drinking in his hot body and making him squirm and giggle at my proximity. Then, despite a couple other guys showering in there with him, he got really playful: pulled my towel off a couple times, poked at my erection. Soon I was throbbing and giddy.
Finally, it was just him in there, and he pulled me up against the wall and hugged me against his naked, wet body, popping an instant boner in the process.
But his immature nervousness kind of bothered me. I didn't feel as connected with him as before. For instance, he would not definitely commit to meeting up for supper on Thursday night; I said I'd like to know, one way or the other, by noon tomorrow, and that was agreeable to him.
Less than an hour after I got back home from the gym, Mick emailed to confirm we'd meet tomorrow night.
Then an hour later, at 9:15 this evening, Mick emails me this:
Before we go any further. We have to clarify something, like the term, friendship, lover and boyfriend. In order words, I have to confess something to you. I hope it is not too late.
QS, I am interested in you not only because of the erotic encounter in the shower, but more because of your intelligence and your articles. I do enjoy sharing my life experience with you. You know how much you have effected on my life. But each time when I saw you, I felt guilty and uneasy, why? Let me explain this to you.
Do you still remember when I said I was afraid, very afraid of seeing you? Do you remember I had to run away from you? Do you remember I always mentioned that Japanese guy?....
Apparently I have some problems. And I do think you have noticed that. All of my strange behaviors have the very reason, which is that I have deceived you.
I hate to say this, but I don't to want to say it before it's too late. I have been attached to someone already. If you are angry and call me a Big Liar, please do so. Any action you might take will be understandable. I am such a cruel and ugly guy. QS, you are intelligent, smart, nice and warm-hearted and you deserve to have somebody better than me (I said last night).
Three people in one picture. A tragedy. I don't know who I will be if I am one of them, but I know I will be the most miserable one.(And I deserve to be like that because I make this tragedy by myself)
I am always saying ..I don't want to hurt anybody. .... I am saying I don't want to hurt you or I don't want to hurt him. I am not afraid of my previous relationship... I am more afraid of my current relationship.
QS, you have a beautiful mind and a nice heart. I would like to make a friend with you. And that's why I am writing this with pain and guilty. I am hoping to get your forgiveness for my dishonesty. And I also know it is very unfair for you if I hide something?
Remember the star, which I used as a metaphor when I was in your house? Remember the lonely bird flying? The star will keep moving and the bird will keep flying.
QS, I know this email will cause unbearable pain on you. One thing is true I think. If I really want to be your friend, I shouldn't treat on you.
QS, I don't know how I can face you. What a shame on me! I think I am doing a right thing, though I have been a jerk already.
QS, I am waiting for your email. I respect any decision you will make.
Sorry, QS, I didn't mean to hurt you.
I am really feeling bad and I deserve it. The only hope in my heart is that you can forgive my dishonesty. Thank you.
Yours,
Mick
Huh?. "I have been attached to someone already"??? He means he has a boyfriend/lover? Is that what he meant? Fuck, that's the only phrase in the whole god-damned email that wasn't clear! I email him back immediately:
Um, we need to talk. I am confused by your email. Are you telling me that you currently have a boyfriend? Please call me as soon as possible. Or if that is too scarey for you, email me back and clarify what this secret is that you are telling me.
I phoned Joey immediately, who was as dumbfounded as I. Then I talked to J.C. up here in my kitchen, told him I needed a hug before telling him my news. I was in shock; J.C. urged me not to overreact, to wait and see what more Mick had to say. For a minute I felt extremely vulnerable, and I rushed back into J.C.'s big sexy arms and we talked for several more minutes like that.
Then I waited, and waited, and waited. No phone call or email from Mick. This gave me time to piece it all together. Yes, of course he has a lover, who he lives with. That's why he's never offered his phone number or called me from home.
I thought and felt a lot of things, composed this email which I waited to send until an hour had gone by.
Sweetie, it's been over an hour since I emailed you, and I've not heard back. So I guess you are probably upset, feeling guilty.
I guess I don't need your clarification; I can conclude from your email, now that I've read it a few times, that yes you do have a lover. I presume he is your "roommate", which is why you haven't given me your phone number or called me from home.
I am shocked by your news, Mick. But then I have to remember that it was only five days ago that you and I started talking. It has been an intense few days, and I sure wish you'd told me earlier, but it has only been a short time that we've started to get to know one another. I can kind of imagine the conflict you were in. I'm glad you told me now.
Obviously, with this conflict in your life, you are not in a position to get romantically involved with me. That makes me sad. I was starting to fall in love with you. I would be a fool to keep my heart open to you in that romantic way, now.
But our brief intensity has given me a lot of wonderful gifts. You've helped me feel my heart's immense capacity--for joy and, now, sadness--and that it can sometimes align with my dick. That's a valuable realization to me, so thank you.
I wish you all the best; I hope we keep in touch; for my remaining few months in town, perhaps we can have a friendship.
