2001-03-12 - 12:16:03
Dreamy Questions
Dreamy QuestionsI've been feeling so serene about Erik.
No, he hasn't answered my emails; yes, I talked to him briefly on the phone the other day when I made a haircut appointment with Andre. "So, did you get my emails?" I asked, after the business was taken care of.
"Oh, no, I've been so busy, I haven't had a chance to check my email in forever," was Erik's awkward reply. Yeah right. I told him to feel free to give me a call some time, and that was that. I've not heard from him since.
While I yearn to explore this amazing energy that flows between us, he's obviously still freaked out by it. Unlike last time, I'm not taking it personally; I'm not wallowing in self-pity.
It may be a bit awkward if Erik's working when I go in for my haircut Saturday afternoon; or, it may be just fine. I wish he wouldn't play these games ("Oh, I haven't had time to check my email in forever!") with me, but he's doing the best he can.
I'm not going to push. Whatever is meant to unfold between us, if anything, needs to emerge naturally.
In the meantime, I've got lots of stuff to mull over. I love Erik deeply, but am I in love with him? Would I recognize such stirrings? How does--or more to the point, does?--such an intense connectedness fit into my half-baked notions of interpersonal queerness? Do I really feel peaceful about his latest disappearing act, or am I (yet again) denying the hurt until it bites me on the ass?
This morning I dreamt about being at some outdoor campfire with a whole bunch of queers. In the dream, I didn't notice Erik at first but there he was sitting beside Andre. As I looked over at him, he leaned into some cute young blonde boy and they began to neck, passionately.
I watched their lips commingle, the aroused sparkle in Erik's eyes, and I didn't know how I felt.
Typical.
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