2000-07-21 - 18:53:45
Acting Gay

Acting Gay

I have a twisted sense of humor, and it's all Scott's fault.

Scott and Howie and me were buddies all through school. I don't see a lot of them anymore, but we still keep in touch. Scott--who now weighs about 300 pounds--was in town last night, stayed with me. Talk about a trip down memory lane... I even let him read my high school journal for the first time. His bizarre cackle of a laugh is infectious--if you keep reading, you'll get to hear it.

While I'm not as curious about this as one might think, it would not at all surprise me that Scott too is queer. Ever since I can remember, our repartee has centered around 'the gay thing'. Not just gay jokes, but hilarious enactments of 'pretending to be gay'. We graduated from high school in 1984; I came out in 1986; neither Scott nor Howie seem to have hang-ups about my gayness.

Looking back, I see my part in the 'pretending to be gay' game as, at least partially, a defense mechanism; I wonder what Scott got--continues to get--out of it?

We grew up in a rural area; the nearest town's population was 200, when everyone was home. Once we boys got our drivers' licenses, we'd drive around town endlessly. It was the thing to do.

I still almost pee my pants remembering the prank I'd occasionally pull on them. We'd be driving around, drinking beers: Scott driving, Howie in the middle, me scrunched up against the passenger-side door. As the 'cool' guys would approach us in their souped-up trucks--trophy-girlfriends snuggled right up beside them--I would lean right over so as to be rendered invisible. Making it look like Howie was snuggled right up to Scott.

(giggle)

They used to get so mad when I'd do that.

The gay prankishness has not abated over the years. Scott and Howie visited me in Toronto's gay ghetto for a week about a year and a half ago; I took photos to commemorate our reunion, and Scott caressed Howie homoerotically for several of the poses. My favorite shot was the one where Scott's lewdly gazing at Howie while fondling his pecs.

We kept in touch after that, but mostly I'd just receive forwarded emails from Scott, e-mail jokes that he would send to me and all his friends and family.

A few months after their visit, one night I get a voicemessage from Scott and Howie back home; they've come home tipsy from the bar, decide to give me a call.

Thanks to the wonders of cyber-technology, you can actually listen to the message they left me. If you don't feel like it, suffice it to say that Scott and Howie--my two oldest buddies, two ostensibly straight dudes--simulate the sounds and groans and dialogue of man-to-man sex. Hilarious.

So, what do I do?

First, I scan the photo of Scott fondling Howie's pecs.

Second, I convert their homoerotic voicemail message into a computer wave file.

Third, I pull up one of Scott's 'multiple-recipient' emails from my Inbox, select the Reply-All option.

So, I've got a blank email automatically addressed to all of Scott's co-workers, current friends and family members. About 30 or 40 people all together.

I attach the wave file and the computer pic.

Subject line: Something Queer in [Scott & Howie's home province]?

Message text: Not that I'm one to talk.

I was giddy, hitting "SEND" on that one.

Scott thought it was funny, at first; he didn't realize for a day or so--until his in-town friends began teasing him--that I had sent the email to anyone other than HIM.

(smirk)

I guess he owes me one, eh?

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