2000-06-02 - 10:25:20
Spurting Truths

Spurting Truths

Okay, I said I would break in with current updates, and here I am only an hour later.

Weeks ago I wrote about J.C., this sexy eighteen-year-old Caribbean soccer player I'd had a torrid little fling with earlier in the winter. As I said then, once it became clear he wanted a boyfriend and I didn't, the relationship became platonic. I wanted to create a decent friendship out of this, because he is such a sweet guy.

But my hard-on kept getting in the way. What I mean is that every time I talk to J.C. on the phone or think about inviting him over to watch another video, I can't stop thinking about tonguing him from head to toe. He made it very clear he's looking for a lover, and yet I've picked up signals that I could probably manipulate him into my bed. So I've been hesitant to get together.

It's become the kind of situation where it would just be so fucking easy for one of us to drop the ball, and that would be that.

About an hour ago J.C. called. My crotch swelling, I invited him over to watch a movie. He declined, but said he'd like to go out to a gay club with me tomorrow. He knows no other homos in town, and he wants to go out dancing, experience more gay life here. But I've hedged on doing that for the aforementioned reasons--watching this guy dance is something else!--and also because I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings by picking up some other guy when he's out with me.

Here's my happy news: I blurted all this out on the phone to him tonight. "I don't want this friendship to fall through the cracks, sweetie," I said. "I know you're looking for a boyfriend, and you know I'm not, and I just have to tell you that everytime I think of you or talk to you I get turned on, so I've been nervous to meet up with you."

J.C. is a man of few words, and he didn't have much to say to that. But he made it clear he appreciated my honesty. We might just go out dancing tomorrow night after all, as friends.

If we ever have sex again, I want it to be a mutual experience: not me taking advantage of a young man's loneliness or horniness. If we're meant to get naked together again--and a part of me (guess which part) hopes we are--let us enter into those mysteries with our eyes open.

In the meantime, this shy, lonely, achingly-beautiful young man might just teach me a thing or two about friendship.

So much is possible when we form words out of our muddled bodies; so much gets lost when we don't.

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